inconvenient incidents

As I sat through the train journey to work this morning, I was disturbed from my reading by the constant yapping of this school going teenager. talking to a man probably in his forties and an older girl, she was telling them of her adventures of missing the assembly. what is with these peoples's language? I have a firm belief that if the word "like" and the phrase "oh! my god!" were to be taken off their vocabulary they'd be lost! really.

while Henry is talking to Dr. Kendrick in the book, I hear bits of conversation in which this teenager is breathlessly (only god knows why!!) explaining how she waited in the toilets with another girl, hiding away to avoid going to assembly as it were, when her teacher caught them. she's very worried that her teacher might think of her as a "les". I want to ask her what's wrong with being a lesbian, but I hold myself back. why do most people think of homosexuality as a disease? it is very sad to see people not understanding that sexuality is one's own preference. it should not be used to discriminate. when are these prejudices going to end?

on a totally different note, during the holidays I got told to pop out a kid soon. even my mom has joined the bandwagon.. hinting ever so slightly. why can't people understand that pregnancy and child rearing are experiences I'd rather not have. all that responsibility.. ugh!! not to mention the mental stress and the anguish. but sometimes I have caught my self thinking - I really am not sure I should be putting this out there for anyone interested to see. plus I think it's a natural instictive thing! - about a kid!! what I want to know is, if I am so sure I don't want to have kids, then why are these thoughts popping up in me head? what does it mean? Is my body trying to tell me that if I did want to have kids, it's time? or is it just nature working ensuring the survival of the species? what is it?

the jetlagged self

Now that I am back in the real world, I have to wake up in the most un-holidayish fashion to go to work, then to come back cook & clean, whilst my body is desperately trying to adjust back to the Aussie clock with having to get rid of all the jetlag... I can safely say it's not such a good feeling. I seem to need another holiday to recover. :O)

ah... what a nice thing vacation is.. only if it never ended. I distinctly remember thinking when I as about to board the plane out of Sydney that I'll be back here in no time at all. what a way to start the [well earned] holiday one might ask.. but it did turn out to be true. even a week has gone by since I landed the definitly confused and tired body of mine. ( I think it is still reeeeeelly tired from flying acreoss the time zones)

I learnt that I need to plan & remember who for, to do more "gift" shopping, even though I don't like shopping [ it IS true!!]. Also need to be more organised about my time spending. splayed out on the mat/bed during hols is nice, but when I look back I don't think I accomplished much during the time, which might be just the thing you do do on holidays - doing nothing. So maybe I did accomplish something.. who knows!

This has been the major major holiday of my life so far, and my very first one romping the world. five countries in 3 and a half weeks.(other half of a week having been spent in travelling!!) I've learnt valuable lessons which no doubt will come in handy in the years to come. of those, two very important lessons would be
1. Never ever mix relatives with holidays.

2. Pack the perfumes in the luggage you check in, never in your hand luggage!!!

Au revoir
Ciao
Harde
and bye for now!

oh! and Season's Greetings!

blues

A thousand rays touch me
as I walk along
a thousand leaves watch me
as I walk along
a thousand little breezes hear me
when I walk along

I feel the warm rays touch me
I watch the leaves jump to join me
just as I hear the whisper of the wind

every little thing counts now
whatever that was not noticed before
A little curve takes shape in my face
growing wider ever more.
it's such pleasant company
in the spring of life.

a bright yellow fills the day
I watch with admiration, the painting of the day
a collage of the multitudes mingling
a melted sense of being opens before me
I walk into it shedding my own
embracing the clones.

a thousand rays try to touch me
I numbly walk on
a thousand leaves watch me
I blindly walk on
a thousand little breezes whisper
I am the deaf, just walking on

the painting without the colours
just a plain canvas,
the souls of the lost ones
await to be released.

::Inspired by the Monday Blues!!::

eat me away!

What is this beast of mine? It feeds on me. I feed it. Without knowing, without realising that it's being fed and that, should the feeding cease for some reason for unacceptable period of time (unacceptable by whose standards - mine?beast's? or the society's?) it then starts gnawing inside. Eating away.

Why feed it at all? Afterall it's still a young beast, unlike the age old one of hunger or sleep. A young beast which did not replace any such being or even a thought of such a thing which existed before.

Should I feed it? Helping it to grow and grow until there is no place or space left of me? me- without the beast. (would I still exist then, in some small way?) or is it that the beast grows to encircle me in it's vicious grips when it is starving and not appeased? Yes! That's it!! It's the hunger that feeds it. Not the feeding. My beast which lies within me, lies awaiting not to be fed. So that it can take over any thought, so that there's only the thought of itself left. A clever creation. Eitherway, it's thirst will be quenched and hunger satisfied.

If only the rest of me was as such.

getting lost!

Stepped into a danger zone I did. This afternoon, while roaming around anywhere my feet took me. I must thank my feet. They carry me everywhere I please to go physically. Yet, very rarely, if ever, they complain. Must write about them sometime.

Today too, they took me. The eyes had seen the place before, like many before this and as usual drawn to it, every time, as I walked past. Today was to be different. Before it was realised, I had stepped in. one must go, at least once in a life time…if not every possible time. But, it if time is not on your side… nothing much can be done to help.

There were lots to see. Most interesting specimens. They were of similar shape with varying dimensions. This place while being the most beautiful and tranquil could engulf you within seconds. You become disoriented, kind of; since you don’t know where to turn or where to begin. You are overwhelmed. It’s like the dark. But, once you have gotten used to the darkness, the shapes become familiar. Then you feel at home. At ease. Forgetting time, space, obligations... even yourself. Power such as this, is to be found only in similar place. Another realm much like this in arrangement, in its own laws and physics.

Time wasn’t on my side today. I didn’t have enough of it and it ran out too quickly. Much too quickly, as it usually does in this particular place, as if it gets a dose of adrenalin. (What exactly is time, and why does it have to hurry?). I had to be content with the peek I was able to take, and a precious drop I picked up.

How can a drop be picked up you ask? Well, it can be. as it ought to be..from the danger zone called the bookshop.

HELP sign the petition!

A petition has been put online, addressed to the UN High Commissioner of Human Rights, to help bring to the attention of the world, all the human rights violations (such as the massacres in Allaipiddy and Vankalai - my prev. post) taking place in Sri Lanka.

Please help bring awareness to the crimes being committed. Please sign the petition. Also, assist in distributing this link to as many people you can.

if clicking the link (the first paragraph) doesn't work, here's it is: http://www.petitiononline.com/UN061506/petition.html

thankyou

their deaths and my helplessness

I did not want to write about this. but I now have to, because if I don't share my frustration, anger and helplessness, I will definitly go mad. even as I type this, I am unable to contain my feelings. I shake in anger, I am most disgusted. and ashamed that there is nothing more I can do.

Warning! images in below links are very graphic and distressing.

• Allaipiddy

• Vankalai

what did those children do? to be murdered, slaughtered like animals so cruelly, mercilessly? what would a girl of 10 know of rape and torture? a baby of only few months - how could he, when he cannot even sit by himself, be a threat? first incident is because the family refused to give up their family home to the army/navy to be used as a camp. the whole family tortured and killed because they stood their ground. @#^!&$* Hooray for human rights.

I am unaware of the reasons behind the second incident. to rape a wife in front of her husband, to rape a daughter, a loving sister before the very eyes of the family, to literally spill the guts of a son who would have made the family smile. WHY?? how are these troops so sick that they don't for a moment stop to think? for them any Tamil is a "terrorist". do they not have mothers, sisters and daughters? would they dare imagine of something like this happening to their loved ones? aren't the Tamil people just as human? just as loved by their own?

where is the media report or the interest of the international human rights organisations? not one bloody news agency, apart from the BBC which stated very briefly that there were people killed, uttered a word. are they all so wrapped up in believing the false propoganda of the government? where are the peace keepers now? do they think their job is to speak up only when something happens in the South or to the non-Tamils? why are these killing being hidden from the world? are they hoping that if they ignore it, it will go away? NEWSFLASH!!! it won't! ask them to come out of their hiding holes. these are not isolated incidents. everyday someone is being tortured and killed slaughtered. where is the justice?

even unheard, the curses will be uttered. may the bloodhounds perish!

Rain ```

It's been raining. Raining in many different sizes of drops. And varying in the speed they drop from the clouds.

I don't think I have quite enjoyed watching closely anything as interesting as rain. It comes from far above, starting to fall where the eye cannot see. Suddenly a silver droplet appears out of nowhere. Then plimp! or a plink! or even plonk! with whatever accompanying sound it likes to make, or maybe with silent symphony, lands on wherever it falls! Leaves and animals may quiver; trees and grass may get wet, buildings sprayed and the scurrying two legged humans hide away under the cover of a brollie. What a lot they lack... where is the sense of thrill gone? Or at least the absolute pleasure in feeling those drops meet you? All that happiness is diminished by parents calling in kids, threatening them with tired old phrases, forcing upon them the utter loss of wonder.

Silver threads, silver drops, a misty spray or a dull grey curtain, makes my day.

Have you ever seen it run down corrugated roof?

Or how it dances upon a glass roof?
The way it runs sideways snaking its way along the windows when the wind blows?
The lovely drops that can bee seen on the windshield?
Threads with no beginnings and no ends continually appear in the light given by the street light?
How it makes tiny pockmarks, splashes and ripples in bodies of water?
How it clings on to your hair, body, clothes...asking to be taken along?

I must go now. Rain’s knocking on my window.

unknown - maybe you can suggest!

This is my first attempt at story writing. I am not sure if it even passes for a story. Following is the first chapter. looking forward to your comments. they will no doubt shape my writing.

thanks.

here goes.:.

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She just sat there, twisting her ring. Worried that Krish was late. He was never late in coming home. Always home by 6pm the latest. It was already nine. She - Dhaya, a small frame holding a brilliant mind - began to pace. It was not like her to worry. She tried telling herself reasons causing Krish's delay. Something urgent at work or some accident causing traffic jam. What if something had happened to him? There it was again, the habit of thinking almost always, of death, illness, injury. Something bad. She chided herself for thinking that. Please God! Let nothing happen to him. She could not bear to think of a life that Krish was not a part of. Why wasn’t he answering the phone? That could only mean that he was driving. If Sivi woke up and did not find her dad it was bound to be a long night. Dhaya hoped he would be home soon. Still twisting her ring, she willed him to.

A whimper was heard on the baby monitor, registered by the third of the five line rainbow lighting up. Little Sivi was up from her unusual nap of 3 hours. She was tired today, having played with neighbouring kids in the park. She was nearly three. Could not talk properly yet, but could win over anyone with her dimpled smile topped with Hi!. Dhaya got up from the living room and went over to pick Sivi up. Carried her to the dining table, seating her in the high chair, began to get her meal ready. Sivi would not sit still. Turning this way and that, twisting, her eyes searched for Krish. She knew that her father should be home now. But was nowhere to be seen. The little mind started to wonder. Was he asleep? Was he hiding from her? Why isn’t he watching his silly TV show? The one that made him laugh so loud. Why hasn’t he joined us for dinner?

Dhaya could not bear to look at Sivi’s disappointed face with tears threatening to roll. She did not want to try explaining. She did not want to lie. Wondering what to say, she was surprised to hear herself utter “daddy’s gone to the shop to get milk”. That strangely seemed to satisfy Sivi, who only wanted to know if it was going to be “shobary” milk. Nodding her head, Dhaya hoped for this lie to be the truth. Why wasn’t he home yet?

----------------------------------------

so, what do you think?

egh! too long since I posted my thoughts! not that anybody gives a hoot!

I think I've become the working animal. wakeup - get ready - run like hell to the station to catch the train - read/sleep on the train - get to work - get back into the train - walk home - watch tv - cook & eat - sleep.

weekend's a lot similar except I don't have to run to the train station or go to work.

is this how life is going to be? I mean, bringing home the $$ is great. but where is my life? all last nite I could think of was how desperate I was for some action in my life. dull as hell. on second thoughts I don't think hell would be dull. sure we went to Melbourne for 4 days, of which a day was spent in the casino - helloo I don't like it!!!

it hasn't been too bad I guess.. hmm need to take a holiday, something as adventurous as Dirk Pitt of Clive Cussler novvels would be good.. esp if it involved archeology!

Today I discovered and consumed what is most arguably the most delicious thing I've eaten this year! I don't know what it is no..wait... it was called a meringue or something similar(in no mood to lookup the correct name). It was nutty (like me!) and had 3 beautiful layers of delicious dark chocolate and it was heavenly... too bad I had to share it! :o(

life certainly is going on as it always does. fast approaching the halfway mark of the year.

A good friend of mine has come on her annual visit with her hubby from England. even though it had been 3 weeks since she landed on our fair shores it was at a dance performance that I saw her. quite the bit accidental. The performance was by my "on stage sister", and a brilliant one at that. poor thing got so emotional when giving thanks she ran off and delivered the speech from behind the curtains. getting back to the story of my friend:I asked my hubby - since my friend had turned down an invite to go out to eat and asked if we could come see them at their place - if we could meet them. Hubby patiently pointed out that:

1. It had been 3 weeks since they landed, she had not called me up.
2. Just as on her 2 previous visits, she had turned down the invite for a night out.
3. It's always "us" chasing up or going to meet them.

I know with friends these things don't matter and people on holidays are short with time, but at the same time saw the truth of hubby's words. WHAT is a gal to do?

Aha! I know it for sure now...I have such an unstable mind that it is actually disturbing. ;o)

yesterday and the day before I was all panicky and apprehensive for no apparent reason and wanted to go curl up in mom's lap. but today..Behold! the inane grin...again without reason. I do not want to smile so much because I am scared that it will bring upon me some wrath...ok ok..some unwelcome thingie. but like everything this too shall pass.(hmm...must cut back on the coffee and the philosophical discussions!!)life goes on with work. ppl are moving out(YEY!!), and hopefully the much missed privacy will soon be ours to have & to hold once again.

nostalgic moments seem to be the thing of the week!

good thing tho' is that life goes on, whether u like it or not.

Oh!Man....they've hung this huge Disco ball on the Harbour Bridge. the Disco ball apparently weighs 2 tons!! it's nice to look at. especially in the morning and evening sun when it dazzles..it's like a thousand flashes going off in a dark stadium. it's gorgeous with that effect on display.

p.s: work goes fine..with nothing much to do..what better for the Queen of bludging? ;o)

I have always been a sucker for gardens. Thanks to my friend I enrolled in a gardening & (no) landscaping class at the local community college. My knowledge of the plants the maintenance have grown. Main reason for the enrolling being that all sorts of plants I have had in pots in my balcony "graveyard" have perished. Appallingly I discovered that it was due to over-caring!

Anyways since I have already tried my hands at carnations and roses I thought to see how tulips fare in the pot. Alas..Too late in the season for flowers and the harsh harsh sun burnt the leaves. I was told to feed it and wait till next spring. Arrrr! Since the advice was to feed my plants fertilizers,I have done precisely that. Add to the "I-have-added-fertilizers-garden-will-grow" feeling , the garden makeover shows and you have me impatiently waiting for flowers and leaf sprouting like mad!! All this anticipation with just one feed of fertilizer..Today!!

Grow I say G-R-O-W...Now!!

Why don't some ppl pick up after themselves?not doing that once in a while is understandable. but Every-Blooming-Day?? after brekkie there will be 1/2 a banana or half a mango('tis in season..YEY!!!) on the counter...then do they consume it during the day..Oh NOOO...it just sits there. why don't I clean it u ask? well because I am so tired of doing so and of telling that particular person!!! so it just sits there. then the next morning..another half a fruit grins at me from atop the counter. then there the issues of unwashed cups/plates dirty spoons(again on counter!). believe me it is not a welcoming sight(or site 4 that matter). and so much for the kitchen that was clean and the counter that was mess-less. GRRRR.

any idea as how to bring about lasting clean kitchen? (oh BTW..the person responsible for the mess is a 36 year old!)

Why is name changing a big issue? Isn't it personal?
I haven't changed my surname to that of my hubby's after our marriage. other than the two of us everyone else seems to be bothered about the fact that I have not done so!! I went in for a radio program/ad for the temple activities somewhere in March, there the presenter (who happened to be our friend) asked for the complete name and I gave the "unaltered". He looked at me as if I was a weird creature...Who was unaware of how things worked. He extended to offer his sympathies to my husband(Ha! The nerve!), telling how he got his wife to change her surname immediately after their marriage. "Poor soul" I thought, not even having the freedom to decide if she wanted to change the name...Having to bow down to pressure like this...and to think it was a love marriage(u'd think that he would have the manners to ask her first if she wanted the change)(her accepting and not accepting is besides the point!!)

Then he asked me what my title was..Mrs, or Miss(latter because I was still using my maiden name). I told him that, like "Mr" (for bachelors and married men alike) there's a term now called "Ms" for women. he argued that it was for divorced women.What The..! A detailed explanation followed about human rights and the like, which resulted in him using no title when he uttered my name!

yesterday after my debut in acting, one of my friends came up to me and said that she was surprised to note that I hadn't changed the name! WHAT?? hellooooo...it's a personal choice ....and there's no rule stating that u have to change ur name once you are married. if it's so then how come guys don't have to change theirs?

Grrrrr.......

I don't have kids. but it sure feels like it, having 2 guys to look after and to pick up after one of them!! I have been preparing lunches(even tho' it's just sandwiches and wraps etc). feels as if I have my hands full with 2 school goers!!

My veena practice is going well, but I am hoping the blister will appear soon and dissapper just as fast; then my poor fingers will be accustomed to the strings. it's amazing how much you forget after not playing the veenai for about 5 years. but equally astounding is the fact that I can trigger my memory of the notes. it's the hands that I have to train...and doing plenty of it for the past 2 days.

visitors galore!!arriving soon..at an airport near me!

I have been around..just not to this part of my blogosphere!! I am still at home, looking for jobs and the agents are not helping!!

One of my favourite ppl has passed away..and I am still coming to terms with it. I do know that death is inevitable, but then why is it hard to accept that she is gone???? isn't knowledge supposed to make things better..or was it understanding/realization??

A few of our friends (families) have gone on l-o-n-g holidays of 2 months and 3 months to Lanka. another family to India, Lanka and the middle east and a bachelor friend has been around Europe in 30 days. I have been stuck here in Sydney for the past 40 odd months and have only been to Melbourne and Canberra( thank god for cousins and flower shows!!). I got a bit grumpy and irritated regarding that last week( Nah..that hasn't got me going anywhere!!). I am not bothered abt these things usually. it's when u go sumwhere and half the usual ppl are missing due to the fact that they are on holidays...THEN it hits.

I think I compare too much.

The human mind is a strange one. especially when it comes to family, you cannot fathom urself.. why u r thinking what u r thinking or why u r not thinking in a particular way!

well..besides the boggling mind factor, life has been pretty much ordinary. at home since the contract came to an end. if any of u want 2 go into a call centre position..reconsider. this could be the one thing u could actually take into ur mind. but believe u me... it's not worth the hassle. u might be paid well. but the headaches and the irritable feeling in the ear u are most likely to get by being on the phone 4 the whole day...Nah! it's not worth it!! does someone know y it is so?

so ..left the job, I did. hopefully finding another one won't be that long. but it is in mind that after October the recruitment business slumps as time draws the year to it's festive season. and until february there shall be meagre recruitment provisions. Iit is nice to be home..able to see the sunshine, walk in it.taking in the crisp spring rather than the air-con office air, but I can't help being a bit restless. it felt good bringing home some dough on my part. I would like to earn, but not be confined to the office without the sunshine and the birds. maybe part-time is the way to go.