unknown - maybe you can suggest!
This is my first attempt at story writing. I am not sure if it even passes for a story. Following is the first chapter. looking forward to your comments. they will no doubt shape my writing.
thanks.
here goes.:.
She just sat there, twisting her ring. Worried that Krish was late. He was never late in coming home. Always home by 6pm the latest. It was already nine. She - Dhaya, a small frame holding a brilliant mind - began to pace. It was not like her to worry. She tried telling herself reasons causing Krish's delay. Something urgent at work or some accident causing traffic jam. What if something had happened to him? There it was again, the habit of thinking almost always, of death, illness, injury. Something bad. She chided herself for thinking that. Please God! Let nothing happen to him. She could not bear to think of a life that Krish was not a part of. Why wasn’t he answering the phone? That could only mean that he was driving. If Sivi woke up and did not find her dad it was bound to be a long night. Dhaya hoped he would be home soon. Still twisting her ring, she willed him to.
A whimper was heard on the baby monitor, registered by the third of the five line rainbow lighting up. Little Sivi was up from her unusual nap of 3 hours. She was tired today, having played with neighbouring kids in the park. She was nearly three. Could not talk properly yet, but could win over anyone with her dimpled smile topped with Hi!. Dhaya got up from the living room and went over to pick Sivi up. Carried her to the dining table, seating her in the high chair, began to get her meal ready. Sivi would not sit still. Turning this way and that, twisting, her eyes searched for Krish. She knew that her father should be home now. But was nowhere to be seen. The little mind started to wonder. Was he asleep? Was he hiding from her? Why isn’t he watching his silly TV show? The one that made him laugh so loud. Why hasn’t he joined us for dinner?
Dhaya could not bear to look at Sivi’s disappointed face with tears threatening to roll. She did not want to try explaining. She did not want to lie. Wondering what to say, she was surprised to hear herself utter “daddy’s gone to the shop to get milk”. That strangely seemed to satisfy Sivi, who only wanted to know if it was going to be “shobary” milk. Nodding her head, Dhaya hoped for this lie to be the truth. Why wasn’t he home yet?
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so, what do you think?
3 comments:
//so, what do you think?//
Hey u asked for it :-)
not bad ..
it has the structure ,need to be bit more evocative ..the last paragraph was better in that sense.
Its linear to some extent and could predict the next line fairly easily .
Bit more elabaration might add some "verve" to it. say pick this line.
"She just sat there, twisting her ring".This does not say much than what it literally says .
say for ex it could be about
what sort of ring it was
what was the occasion when the ring was bought how she fiddles when her ring when she is nervous
anything to do with the ring ..and atlast it all relating back to kris ,say how he presented the ring maybe ,then switcing back to your current worries ,providing a very natural contrast.
it elaborates and gives a bettwe weightage to the activity of "twisting her ring"
hope above suggestions would be of some help to u :-)
test
thanks,
haven't touched the rest of it. it is a bit too easy to predict.
will try soon and post again.
thnx,
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